Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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