I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
