she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
