My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
So squirting runs in the family.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
