dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
