I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
