Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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