I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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