not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
