I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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