Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Randomize
