in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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