Plan B is the new Plan A
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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