My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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