So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
