i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
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I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
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Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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