I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
