If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
