omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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