god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Floor bacon is actually really good
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
