just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
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