My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
