three words: i give head
three words: not that well
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
