After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Drunk is not a location!
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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