She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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