It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
