My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
When did angry sex become our thing?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
