I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
