my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
