every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
