i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
