My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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