did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
her facebook's as public as her vagina
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Randomize
