The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
