The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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