There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
