Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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