he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
