Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
