Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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