I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
