five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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