I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
