I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
