I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
