She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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