I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
