you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
