Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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