Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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