guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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