you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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