I think I won the penis lottery.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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