My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
