She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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