So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
