I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
