Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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