We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
