I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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