when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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